SEX-WITH-BROOKIE
Written for Saturday Night Live
by
Terry Southern (c) 1981
(OPEN ON: LIVING ROOM. TIM IN PAJAMAS AND ROBE, READING FITFULLY, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, OBVIOUSLY WAITING UP FOR SOMEONE. LISTENS INTENTLY TO SOMEONE COMING IN FRONT DOOR.)
(SFX: SOMEONE ENTERING FRONT DOOR.)
(SATISFIED AS TO WHO IT IS, HE SETTLES BACK AND PRETENDS TO BE
READING. EDDIE COMES IN, DAPPER IN HIS "DATE OUTFIT".)
TIM:
(CASUALLY)
Hey Blood, have a good time?
EDDIE:
(CHEERFULLY SURPRISED)
Hey Bro, you still up?
TIM:
Just reading.
(SUDDENTY PETULANT)
Why can't you call me "Blood" like I call you?
(EDDIE CROSSES TO MIX HIMSELF A DRINK)
EDDIE:
(PATIENTLY)
I done told you, Bro, I can't call you "Blood".
TIM:
Sometimes you call me "My Man".
EDDIE:
That's right.
TIM:
And sometimes you call me "Baby"
EDDIE:
That's right.
TIM:
And "Big Bopper".
EDDIE:
Yep.
TIM:
All terms of endearment, right?
EDDIE:
You know they is.
TIM:
Then why can't you call me "Blood"?
EDDIE:
(QUICKLY)
Can't call you "Blood".
(TAKES A SWIG. THERE 'S AN AWKWARD SILENCE AS TIM STARES AT EDDIE, WHILE EDDIE BEGINS TAKING OFF HIS COAT AND TIE.)
TIM:
(SIGHS)
Well, aren't you going to tell me about your date?
EDDIE:
(PLEASED)
Hey, I was hoping you would ask! It was outta sight!
TIM:
Oh, what happened?
EDDIE:
Well, I took her to this rib-joint I know. A very funky place ...and man, she really got down!
TIM:
(FROWING)
What do you mean "she got down"
EDDIE:
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
I mean she dug it, baby! I put some swingin'soul-sounds on the box, and she got behind those sounds, and we were movin' and groovin' at the rib-joint, can you dig it?!
TIM:
(SLIGHTLY ANNOYED)
Well, you didn't stay there all evening, did you?
(LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)
I mean, jez, you've been gone about five hours!
EDDIE:
No, of course we didn't stay there. That was just to get her primed up you dig. Lub-ree-cay-shon, you unnerstan what I say? Then we went back to her place.
TIM:
You mean you dropped her off there?
EDDIE:
No baby, that was my intention! But that is not the way it come down ...
TIM:
(IMPATIENTLY)
Well, what the heck happened?
EDDIE:
(SLIGHTLY ANNOYED)
Hey, bro, don't lean on me. Lighten up, I get there.
TIM:
(IRATE)
Well, wasn't her mother at home?
EDDIE:
I'm gettin' to that.
TIM:
Jez, will you just tell me what happened?
EDDIE:
(WILL NOT BE RUSHED)
Well, now like I say. I was ready to drop her off. Keep the cab and drop her off. But she say "Come on in". SoI say "well, er, uh, what about your mother?" She say, "She ain't home and she say "She done --"
TIM:
(INTERRUPTING)
Hey, wait a minute, she said "She ain't home"? "Ain't home"?
EDDIE:
Well, maybe she say "She not home". But what I'm tellin' you, my man, is that the old lady was out.
TIM:
Okay, okay, then what?
EDDIE:
Right. So then we inside...she puts on a record...we have some more juice...dance real...close, one thing leads to another...and before you know...Jackpot in Shaffer City! Gimme high-five!
(INSISTS ON RAISED HAND CLAP.)
TIM:
(IN DISMAY AND INDIGNATION)
Listen ...are you ... are you trying to tell me
that you had sex with Brooke Shields!?!
EDDIE:
Brookie.
TIM:
What?
EDDIE:
"Brookie'. Her mother calls her "Brookie" -- and so do the guys who have sex with her. It's "Brookie-baby", "Brookie-baby", "Brookie-baby" --before after, and during... which is the ultra-groovy part, if you dig my lick.
(TIM IS BESIDE HIMSELF WITH DISBELIEF AND INDIGNATION.
HE FLINGS THE BOOK ASIDE.)
TIM:
(FLARING)
Will you come off that crap! Just tell me, did you actually havesex with Brooke Shields?!?
EDDIE:
(COOL)
Hey man, don't sweat it -- I mean the most surprised party was me.
(TIM GETS OUT OFF THE CHAIR, PACES ABOUT.)
TIM:
(MUTTERING)
Jez, I don't get it ...
(STRIKING FIST INTO PALM TURNS, DEMANDS)
Now just how the hell could that happen?!?
EDDIE:
(WAGS A FINGER AT HIM IN MOCK SCOLDING FASHION)
Now that would be kiss-and-tell, Bro--I'm surprise at you.
TIM:
(IN ANGUISH AND RAGE)
You asshole! You've already told!
(RESUMES PACING, WAVING HIS ARMS HELPLESSLY)
I want to know how it happened!
How it could possibly have happened!
(TURNS)
Look, just give me one shred of evidence! Anything that will lend credence to a cockamammy story like that!
EDDIE:
(SUPER COOL)
Oh? And why should I, my man? I mean,
what's in it...for me?
TIM:
(EXPLOSIVE)
What's in it?! ?
(SLAPS HIS OWN FOREHEAD)
Jesus Christ, just name it, pal! I mean let's shoot straight pool here--I would give my ...my life--afterwards, of course--to have sex with Brook...Brookie Shields! Now come on...
(PLAINTIVELY)
I mean, jez, we...we go back a long way, you and me...what, 10, 12 years? I mean we've shared girls before, lots of times...
EDDIE:
(SMILING, WAGGING A FINGER)
Not like Brookie, we ain't!
TIM:
(FLARING)
Oh for the love of god, give me a break, will you?! ?
(COLLAPSES INTO THE CHAIR AGAIN, COVERS HIS FACE, SOBS)
I'll. . .I'll do anything. . .anything!
(RAISES HIS TEAR-STREAKED FACE; BESEECHING)
Don't you understand? I. . .I'm obsessed with her. . .and with the idea of having sex with her!
EDDIE:
(LOWERS HIS GLASS, FIXES TIM WITH A FORMATIVE GAZE.)
Now wait. Is you talkin' straight sex?
TIM:
(BROWS FURROWED)
What?!?
EDDIE:
Just straight sex? In Brookie's little bed? None of the. . .
(ARCHING BROWS, WAGGING A FINGER)
ole kinkeroo? Heh-heh-heh. . .
TIM:
Oh for god's sake' Of course not! Just straight, straight, straight!
(CLUTCHES EDDIE'S ARM)
Please. . .please help me'
EDDIE:
(SHRUGS, MOVING AWAY, CASUALLY DIPPING HIS DRINK)
Well. . it's all up to Big Momma, you know . . .Big Momma Shields. She's the key to the operation. You have got to cool her out in front.
TIM:
(PUZZLED)
You mean I have to. . .to make it with her first?
EDDIE:
(IMPATIENTLY)
No, no, you don't have to make it with her --
you simply have to convince her that it's in Brookie's best interest. . .to have sex with you.
TIM:
(BRIGHTENING)
I get it. . .you mean convince her that it has something-to do with art, right? Or prestige. . .or spiritual well-being. Am I right?
EDDIE:
(CONSIDERS IT, PACING, DRINK IN HIS HAND)
Hmm. . .yeah, or maybe just, you know. ..
Big Bucks.We're talking heavy bread, can you dig it?
TIM:
(ASTONISHED)
What? Are you kidding? ! ?
EDDIE:Nope.
TIM:Holy Christ!
(HE LEAPS ABOUT IN A GLEEFUL FRENZY, AND STARTS FOR HIS BEDROOM
DOOR.)
EDDIE:
Where you goin', Bro?
(TIM TURNS AT THE DOOR, PULLS OUT A HUGE ROLL OF CASH, BRANDISHES
IT.)
TIM:
(BEAMING MANIACALLY)
To get dressed, cool out Big Momma, and get it on with Brookie! Hot Damn, Vietnam!
EDDIE:
Hold it. Lemme see how much you got there?
(CROSSES, EXAMINES IT)
That ain't enough.
TIM:
I didn't think it would be.
EDDIE:
That awright--you save it up.
TIM:
Okay.
(LIGHTS BEGIN TO FADE AS EACH TURNS TOWARDS HIS OWN ROOM)
TIM:
(CONTINUING)
Goodnight...Blood.
EDDIE:
(SOFTLY)
Good night, Blood.
(FADE)
(c) The Terry Southern Estate; all rights reserved.
